Videogames are frakin' awesome, once you brush aside all the crap in the realm of videogames there is so much gold to be found (300gp?) There are certain rules and logic that apply in videogames that would be killer if they applied to modern society.
Here are my 10 Rules and Logic of videogames that should apply to my life.
10) My clothes should give me attributes. (Hoodie + 2 charisma, Chuck Taylors + 3 to speed, parachute pants - 100 to life)
9) I want a damn inventory! Cuz shit son, my pockets ain't gunna cut it when I gets me an enchanted battle axe.
8)Mashing buttons fast makes you a rockstar. If life were like that I'd be god damned Chopin just by typing. Seriously I would only need 3 buttons to execute an epic panty-melting solo.
7) Experience points. Damn I wish I could rack-up magic power enabling skills by going through my own daily hum-drum. Example: Replenishing the coffee in my office +300XP! LEVEL UP! YOU'VE LEARNED *CAFFEINE JOLT*
6) Extra lives - If I had additional lives, I would do so many stupid(er) things. Like battling evil streetcars or jumping lava pits more often.
5) Saving - Remember that time my pants fell down and I threw up when I asked my girlfriend out for the 1st time? NO? THAT'S RIGHT cuz I hit the reset and started that shit from the last checkpoint.
4) Awesome items and presents for solving simple tasks - Yes, I would enjoy wielding the uber crossbow of the spacegods just for solving this morning's sudoku or pressing some buttons in the right order to receive some kind of enchanted boomerang.
3) A pet goomba - Damnit genetic scientists and mycologists of the world, get your shit together so I can buy me a goomba. I assume you just need some mushrooms and some nucleotides or some shit. Oh goomba, you are the pug of monsters.
2) Jump on things to win! - For reals B, if I could jump on anything standing in my way how sweet would that be? Need a promotion? Jump on your boss. About to get mugged? Jump on that poorly educated street thug. Late for the Subway? Jump on the all the commuters in row for COMBO POINTS!
1) Power-ups - Items, serums, elixers you know all that good stuff. If I could suddenly boost my speed and intelligence by drinking aspartame laden pop, that would be the biz-bomb. I suppose mind altering substances are the closest were going to get. Ummmm Happy 4:20?
*Player 1 has left the game*
No, no. Your pants *did* fall down when you asked me out the first time. -girlfriend
ReplyDelete11) Be able to pick up any random item and later find a use for it like in sweet old point-and-click adventure games (kings quest, Sam and Max, ect.)
ReplyDelete12) Old 8-bit music playing at all times. ALL TIMES.
13) Loot gear, weapons, coins off corpses without getting arrested.